…the almost right word

listening to:

on monday, i drank too much at a friend’s bachelorette party. i was uncomfortable and, in response to not feeling in ‘my element,’ i had two and a half glasses of champagne, followed by two small glasses of red wine, and then two large shots of tequila. i think it was just two tequilas. i don’t remember the evening from the first tequila on. i vaguely recall getting more cash at the atm machine and spending it all on tequila (when i had already spent a ridiculous amount at dinner). let’s just call it…an experiment in alcoholism.

i could look at it in a few ways.
for one, i could say, ‘hey, i used to do that all the time a year ago. it’s okay that i did it this one time.’
i could also say, ‘it was a bachelorette party! everyone was drinking.’

i guess i could ignore the reality of the situation — sometimes i just lose control.

it concerns me. it’s not something that will fit in my life, if i continue in the direction i’m in (wherever that is headed). so i spend another $70 on therapy and talk and talk and talk and analyze myself in circles. i attempt to understand where it comes from.
perhaps i have some issues with boundaries. perhaps, because my parents’ have some strange boundaries in their lives, i have not yet learned where my boundaries lie. i know not to feel guilty. i know that the monster that seems to be hiding inside of me doesn’t deserved to be called a monster.

i am beginning to think that, if i continue to sit around and smoke and watch grey’s anatomy, i’m not going to go anywhere. if i continue to work with my father, i’m not going to go anywhere. maybe i should consider ’school’ again. someone suggested that i sit-in on a class in a local master’s program.

i begin research. i click from html to html until i find the words that excite me: rebellion and revolution in southern andean nations; women’s rights in latin america; politics and philosophy; human rights and law. sometimes it feels as though the haze is lifting and i can see where my next foot will step. but then the haze comes right back to blind me again.

i guess i know i’m not lost, but i feel lost nonetheless.
i just know that i need to act, rather than just think.
is acting that difficult for me?