Por donde noh vamo
Listening to:
On monday, I drank too much at a friend’s bachelorette party. I was uncomfortable and, in response to not feeling in ‘my element,’ I had two and a half glasses of champagne, followed by two small glasses of red wine, and then two large shots of tequila. I think it was just two tequilas. I don’t remember the evening from the first tequila on. I vaguely recall getting more cash at the atm machine and spending it all on tequila (when I had already spent a ridiculous amount at dinner). Let’s just call it…an experiment in alcoholism.
I could look at it in a few ways.
For one, I could say, ‘Hey, I used to do that all the time a year ago. It’s okay that I did it this one time.’
I could also say, ‘It was a bachelorette party! Everyone was drinking.’
I guess I could ignore the reality of the situation: sometimes I just lose control.
It concerns me. It’s not something that will fit in my life, if I continue in the direction I’m in (wherever that is headed). So I spend another $70 on therapy and talk and talk and talk and analyze myself in circles. I attempt to understand where it comes from.
Perhaps I have some issues with boundaries. Perhaps, because my parents’ have some strange boundaries in their lives, I have not yet learned where my boundaries lie. I know not to feel guilty. I know that the monster that seems to be hiding inside of me doesn’t deserved to be called a monster.
I am beginning to think that, if I continue to sit around and smoke and watch Grey’s Anatomy, I’m not going to go anywhere. If I continue to work with my father, I’m not going to go anywhere. Maybe I should consider ’school’ again. Someone suggested that I sit-in on a class in a local master’s program.
I begin research. I click from html to html until I find the words that excite me: Rebellion and Revolution in Southern Andean Nations; Women’s Rights in Latin America; Politics and Philosophy; Human Rights and Law. Sometimes it feels as though the haze is lifting and I can see where my next foot will step. But then the haze comes right back to blind me again.
I guess I know I’m not lost, but I feel lost nonetheless.
I just know that I need to act, rather than just think.
Is acting that difficult for me?
One response so far
Is it weird to comment on an old post buried under the pile of archives? Or maybe it’s weirder that you don’t know me, and I don’t remember how I stumbled across your blog a few months ago, but I’ve been reading your posts regularly since then? Regardless, I couldn’t keep quiet on this one.
“sometimes it feels as though the haze is lifting and i can see where my next foot will step. but then the haze comes right back to blind me again. i guess i know i’m not lost, but i feel lost nonetheless. i just know that i need to act, rather than just think. is acting that difficult for me?”
I feel like this could’ve been lifted verbatim from my journal. I KNOW these feelings. I fight them off every day… not always successfully. It’s always nice to know that other people experience this too–that I’m not as alone as I sometimes convince myself. So, thanks for posting this.
…Aaaand now I need to stop surfing the web and get back to the job hunt. It seems acting really is that difficult for me…