…the almost right word

overheard at downtown subscription after a wonderful bike ride on sunday:

guy: i’ve been meaning to ask you about your water heater.
girl: i don’t have a water heater.

simple, yet endlessly entertaining. don’t we all have water heaters?

publishing your ideas… in books, or on a blog, or in little twits on twitter… and doing it with patience, over time, is the best way i can think of to lay a foundation for whatever it is you hope to do next.

– seth godin

let’s get together and talk about the modern age
all of our friends were gathered there with their pets just talking shit
about how we’re all so upset about the dissapearing ground
as we watch it melt

it’s all of the good that won’t come out of us
and how eventually our hands will just turn to dust
if we keep shaking them, standing here on this frozen lake

i do this thing where i think i’m real sick
but i won’t go to the doctor to find out about it
’cause they make you stand real still in a real small place
as they chartup your insides and put them on display
they’d see all of it, all of me, all of it

all of the good that won’t come out of me
and all the stupid lies i hide behind
it’s such a big mistake, lying here in your warm embrace

oh, you’re almost home
i’ve been waiting for you to come in
dancing around in your old suits going crazy in your room again
i think i’ll go out and embarrass myself by getting drunk and falling down in the street
you say i choose sadness, that it never once has chosen me
maybe you’re right

let’s talk about all of our friends who lost the war
and all of the novels that had yet to be written about them

it’s all of the good that won’t come out of them
and all the stupid lies they hide behind
it’s such a big mistake, standing here on this frozen lake
it’s all the good that won’t come out of me
and how eventually my mouth will just turn to dust
if i don’t tell you quick
standing here on this frozen lake

‘good that won’t come out’
– rilo kiley

this song played today, while i drove around santa fe, shopping. i quickly found two things that i really liked — both on sale — bought them, and turned to leave. i am a wham-bam-thank-you-m’aam kinda girl when it comes to shopping. in fact, i think i would prefer to leave the act of shopping entirely behind in the dust. if it weren’t for the hassle of returning things, i would buy everything online.

the point is, while driving to buy us burritos for lunch, we listened to this song. i turned it up a bit. we enjoyed the moment, despite driving down the ugliest street in santa fe. i’m taking us to tegan and sara in albuquerque in a week and a half. i wish i could take us to see rilo kiley too.

no country for old men was compelling and awesome. i absolutely recommend it. javier bardem is simply incredible. he steals every scene. he literally embodies the dark character and, considering i have only seen him in a couple movies, i was very impressed. the movie is bloody and dark, and certainly not for someone who dislikes seeing multiple killings, dead dogs and the like. granted, i hate seeing a dead dog as much as the next animal-lover, but man this movie was good! watch it! and the desert scenes are beautiful.

Record Stores Fight to Be Long-Playing
By BEN SISARIO
the new york times

NOW added to the endangered species list in New York City, along with independent booksellers and shoe repair: the neighborhood record store…The hole-in-the-wall specialty shops that have long made Lower Manhattan a destination for a particular kind of shopper have never made a great deal of money. But in recent years they have been hit hard by the usual music-industry woes — piracy, downloading — as well as rising real estate prices, leading to the sad but familiar scene of the emptied store with a note taped to the door…“Record stores as we know them are dying,” said Josh Madell of Other Music.

i admit, it’s very ‘indie’ of me, but i got into collecting records in college. we had a record player for most of my childhood. we decided to sell it at a garage sale when i was in junior high. of course, when i later realized how cool a record player is, i was terribly disappointed in that sale. not to mention the loss of some truly classic records. in fact, the majority of my records are more ‘hippie’ than ‘indie.’ yet another way in which my parents have influenced me…i know that in another ten years or so, c.d.’s may be obsolete, but i’m not interested in preserving c.d.’s. on the other hand, records represent a part of history that i’m just simply nostalgic for.

you can add that to the never-ending list of things i’m nostalgic for.

these make me laugh out loud all the time

(a la mcsweeney’s, because they are just so damn clever)

paying off your credit card
it’s liberating and wonderful.

dr. bronner’s magic soaps
organic, fair trade soaps for all purposes. the lavendar is my favorite.

trader joe’s frozen organic spinach pizza
add fresh basil and some feta. easy and delicious!

‘cannonball’ by the breeders
a song that never loses it’s umph!

…more to come.

Battlestar Galactica (the newer version)
Way behind the curve on this one, but this is a great, great show. Now they just need to release Season 3 on DVD.

i had never even heard of this show until a friend mentioned it. the actors are great (including edward james olmos), and each episode is an unpredictably exciting adventure.

into the wild – directed by: sean penn – i have yet to read the book, but this movie certainly inspired me to put it on my ‘library list.’ plus, i think emile hirsch is quite wonderful. don’t forget catherine keener, jena malone, vince vaughn, kristen stewart (where did this girl come from, by the way? i first saw her in ‘in the land of women.’ i think she’s cute. ::blush:: do you blame me? fun fact, she’s from l.a! apparently she was in that seemingly-terrible movie ‘panic room‘ with jodie foster (directed by david fincher who also did ‘zodiac‘ and ‘fight club‘). okay, enough rambling. don’t forget that eddie veder did the music for ‘into the wild’ and it accompanies the film really well.

i am legend – directed by: francis lawrence – this didn’t get much attention, and, to be honest, i didn’t even hear about it until it wound up on our doorstep through the queue. i was very impressed. yes, it is awfully similar to 28 days later. however, ‘i am legend’ is based on a book by the same name written in 1954 (!!) by richard matheson. a side note, the director, francis lawrence II, has directed a few music videos for jLo and britney!

the darjeeling limited – directed by: wes anderson – first of all, i love anything adrien brody does (except for that one time). i would definitely recommend giving this movie a chance. it was written by wes andersen and roman coppola, sofia coppola’s brother. he has worked repeatedly with both wes andersen and sofia coppola. the story takes place on a trip to india. the three main characters are brothers who look nothing alike and haven’t spoken in over a year. owen wilson does a great job, as does angelica houston. natalie portman has an extremely brief appearance, despite the fact that her name is proudly displayed in the credits. the colors were beautiful…as was adrien brody.

lost and delirious – directed by: lea pool – my mom recommended this. i was surprised to enjoy it as much as i did. mischa barton, of ‘o.c. fame,’ with piper perabo (for those who have seen ‘coyote ugly‘ as many times as i have). on first appearance, the film seems to portray a pair of young, boarding school girls who are discovering their lesbianism/bisexuality. unexpectedly dark and strange. filmed in canada, i believe. beautiful greenery. the story also has a lot to do with the role of their mothers, more specifically, the role of their absent mothers.

pollock – directed by: ed harris – i think i was afraid to see this movie. someone once told me that it was too long and generally depressing. i actually loved ‘pollock.’ ed harris does an awesome job portraying such a troubled, alcoholic soul. and i knew very little about the artist prior to the film. i’ve always respected his work, but had no idea that he began with such a picasso-like style. marcia gay harden is the other main lead and she is, of course, wonderful. val kilmer playing willem dekooning? ick.

beowulf – dir: robert zemeckis – yes, beowulf. i didn’t hear anything about this movie. and i was honestly surprised at how much i enjoyed it. did you know that it’s animated!??? they filmed it first, and then animated it with a computer (the concept is similar to ‘waking life‘). it’s a typical hero-adventure-king-queen-castle-story, but very well done. added bonus: animated and naked angelina jolie. now i know you’re not going to pass that up!

tonight, we will watch:
the virgin suicides – directed by: sofia coppola – i love this movie. i watch it once a year on average, and r_ has only seen it once and doesn’t really remember it! sofia coppola did an amazing job. the colors, music…it all creates a real atmosphere for the story. the book was written by jeffrey eugenides, who is a really unusual author (check out middlesex).

tomorrow night we will watch:
no country for old men – directed by: the coen brothers – finally! fyi: movie filmed in n.m. in fact, i waited on the coen brothers, william h. macy, frances mcdormand & kelly macdonald during the filming the of the movie!! (yes, that’s me bragging). the coen brothers seemed to really like our pumpkin ravioli. and we’ve been following javier bardem’s career for some time now, beginning with before night falls (amazing). and well, as for the coen brothers, do we really need to go into their career? i would hope that they speak for themselves.

i opened the shade by the bed this morning to see the snow falling outside the window. yes, more snow…in april. i had coffee. i ran outside in my pajamas and let the cool flakes cover my messy hair. i snapped a few pictures. i made spaghetti.

it was a productive morning. i caught up on work. i read a bit.
i seem to be wanting to read and write more. watch t.v. less. it’s quite wonderful, actually. i don’t think i’ve watched a stupid t.v. show in three weeks now. at that point, i was watching whatever i could get my hands on — anything to avoid not knowing what else to do. anything to avoid the feeling like i should read. the feeling like i should write. the feeling like i should anything and everything. what a terrible word.

it comes from a separate part of my brain. the part full of self-doubt in which all i can see are my faults.

the sun comes out, peeks through the clouds for a matter of minutes, only to resume it’s hiding place. the snow falls intermittently and i cozy up inside. happy.

new york times article titled who are we? coming of age on antidepressants

Since their emergence in the late 1980s, serotonin reuptake inhibitors like Prozac and Zoloft have become some of the most widely prescribed drugs in the world, for depressed teenagers as well as adults. Because depression is often a chronic, recurring illness, there are certain to be many young people who are coming of age on these newer antidepressants.

It was not an issue I had seriously considered before. Most of my patients, who are adults, developed their psychiatric problems after they had a pretty clear idea of who they were as individuals. During treatment, most of them could tell me whether they were back to their normal baseline.

Julie could certainly remember what depression felt like, but she could not recall feeling well except during her long treatment with antidepressant medications. And since she had not grown up before getting depressed, she could not gauge the hypothetical effects of antidepressants on her emotional and psychological development.

sound familiar?

i read the article and can’t help but think of all the people i know who have taken antidepressants. then i think of all the people i know who are still taking antidepressants. i guess it started when we were about 16 or so. for me, it began when i turned 20. i was depressed long before then, but i always need to hit ‘rock bottom’ before i give into the ssri’s. sometimes i think i’ll never stop taking it. sometimes it think i need something stronger.

i talk a lot with my therapist about easing off of it altogether. for the most part, i think i’m ready for this.

nevertheless, i can’t help but fear the possibility that the anxiety and depression will come right back to haunt me.

it’s been beautiful here. summer-like.
i revel in the warmth and the light.

tonight it’s back to the restaurant. two days a week can still be too much, believe it or not.

because i have little to say today, i post my itunes ‘top 25 most played’ list:

1. ani difranco - recoil (knuckle down)
2. timbaland - the way i are (timbaland presents shock value)
3. radiohead - all i need (in rainbows)
4. radiohead - reckoner (in rainbows)
5. radiohead - house of cards (in rainbows)
6. tegan & sara - i won’t be left (so jealous)
7. radiohead - faust arp (in rainbows)
8. rilo kiley - close call (under the blacklight)
9. handsome furs - what we had (plague park)
10. santogold - creator (creator/l.e.s. artistes)
11. laura veirs - phantom mountain (saltbreakers)
12. tegan & sara - walking with a ghost (so jealous)
13. tegan & sara - i can’t take it (so jealous)
14. iron & wine/calexico - burn that broken bed (in the reins)
15. radiohead - jigsaw falling into place (in rainbows)
16. sean hayes - 3 a.m. (big black hole and the little baby star rock)
17. tegan & sara - dark come soon (the con)
18. tegan & sara - downtown (so jealous)
19. tegan & sara - so jealous (so jealous)
20. radiohead - videotape (in rainbows)
21. tegan & sara - time running (if it was you)
22. tegan & sara - underwater (if it was you)
23. laura veirs - don’t lose yourself (saltbreakers)
24. shout out louds - you are dreaming (our ill wills)
25. massive attack - teardrop (mezzanine)

yay for favicons!
not sure how i feel about the current one, but at least it’s up there!

took me awhile to figure it out, like all the rest of this web design, bloggity goodness.

the omnipotent source that is the ny times recently stated the following in an article on bloggers:

Other bloggers complain of weight loss or gain, sleep disorders, exhaustion and other maladies born of the nonstop strain of producing for a news and information cycle that is as always-on as the Internet.

To be sure, there is no official diagnosis of death by blogging, and the premature demise of two people obviously does not qualify as an epidemic. There is also no certainty that the stress of the work contributed to their deaths. But friends and family of the deceased, and fellow information workers, say those deaths have them thinking about the dangers of their work style.

death by blogging?
amusing or scary?

technorati profile

i start slowly.
i sip my white wine and feel nothing.
we huddle together, laughing, giggling
like two young girls
we’re almost sisters.

sometimes i forget.
i get caught up in feeling
light. weightless. relaxed and happy.
sometimes i forget.

i once looked to her for warmth
for comfort
for love and safety.

something has changed
and i know
i’m not a kid anymore.

the desert sky at 4 a.m.
pabst blue ribbon and red wine
marlboro reds. marlboro reds. marlboro reds.
soft inked skin
eyebrow scars
a scared fragile boy in an army suit
head shaved
french pressed coffee
nabokov passages read aloud
a beautiful perfect voice
gentle touch
control
taste and smell.
a vinyl colection
green walls, black and white photographs
b.
c.
g.

i haven’t really written a poem since.
maybe it’s time to start again.