…the almost right word

well, technically last night we worked too. fortunately enough, however, it was slow and so i was able to leave early and start drinking. it was such a slow night, that i hardly feel i was there at all (except for the hungover feeling i have today…which isn’t from alcohol at all, but from working in a restaurant). 

tonight though, we work. until midnight. 

and tomorrow another month begins and i will blog everyday. really, i will. in fact, i already almost have these past couple months. but now, i have to. i am committed. 

take that.

paying off your taxes, especially when they’re $1500
so yes, as a waitress, my taxes are particularly troublesome (even as a part-time waitress!). in fact, this is the first year that i’ve been able to pay them off in full (usually i’m reduced to requesting a payment installation plan)! my bank account may not be the happiest, but i’m frackin relieved. and so is the irs. yay for them.

so, a short while back i prompted a quick discussion on the dreaded topic of nalgene bottles and their hazardous material.

well, worry no more! not only is nalgene producing bpa-free bottles (available online, though i’m sure they’re also available in stores in real cities), but other companies are also producing similar bottles. i happened to acquire a fancy camelbak bottle, which, i have to say, is my new favorite. it seems to fit in my small hand much easier than those large nalgenes.

you can officially call me a fan of camelbak bottles. and now i can go about my business, promoting them, cancer-free.

last night, i sat outside after work writing blog posts in my head. really, i did. they were good too. of course, i don’t remember them today…

so…does this make me a full-fledged “blogger?”

the apple mighty mouse
these little suckers cost $50 and are really quite handy when it comes to the imac. however, that scrolly ball thingy is a pain in the butt. granted, i use mine while i eat spaghetti, quesadillas and other oily goodness (which has probably led to the majority of my scrolly ball problems). but really people, should the scrolly ball be so sensitive? mine has gone completely kaput. no scrolly ball action for me. so the question becomes, do i buy another mighty mouse? they are so handy and pretty looking next to the imac. and aesthetics are quite important to the a.r.w.

any advice out there on other mice with more advanced scrolly ball action?

forget everything i’ve previously stated — it’s the data-entry that makes me depressed.

i’ve been working on some data-entry, on and off, for a couple weeks now. i probably could’ve wrapped it all up weeks ago, actually. but because of that “on and off” stuff, it has now dragged along and i am stuck waking up to a pile of work everyday. today, i will finish. seriously.

yesterday, between my two naps, i realized that this was it. yes, emily gould’s article got me thinking and even chased my tail between my legs for a couple days. but it is the data-entry work that has led me to feel so bleh. clearly, two naps in one day is a sign of something, especially for someone who often chooses sleep as a method of avoidance. it works, it really does! until you wake up, and look at the stacks and stacks of work left to do. then, the only thing that will relax you is a glass of wine, a smoke, or a shot of tequila.

but today, dear reader, i will finish.
that is, until the next shipment of data-entry work arrives in a matter of weeks and i am, yet again, in avoidance mode.

my job is wonderful (my day job, that is) — don’t get me wrong. i get to work from home (hence the often incessant blogging and internet surfing), which means i can spend as many hours as i want in my pajamas and no one will know. i can also bathe in the sun for a few minutes during my “lunch break.” and don’t forget the fact that i’m making enough money to finally start saving again.

but boy, this data-entry stuff really rumples my feathers.

so, there i was. delving deeper into a sense of depression. i will quote the unreliable narrator here, since she put it so well: …professional oversharer and Gawker blogger Emily Gould reevaluates, basically, her entire career, in a post that for some reason I can’t fully explain scares the everlovin’ beejaysus outta me. it certainly scared the everlovin’ beejaysus outta me. i actually had to remind myself that i’m not the same blogger as gould. i had to step back from reading her nyt article, and her blogs.

and then the comments on the new york times website came. a flood of a thousand people responding. ninety-five percent of them criticized her. some of them even criticized the new york times for publishing the article. comment number one: At first, I thought I was reading the sophomore page of the student newspaper at Harding High in Yokelville, Ohio. Then I realized that it was the New York Times. Just awful. comment number two: Dear Emily - First of all, you should be grateful to this newspaper for allowing you this mega-blog about blogging. Will the cure for cancer get this many pages? it goes on and on and on. eventually i found a couple that were reminiscent of my first reaction to her article: The first thing that I noticed about your piece, Emily, is how well you write. You’ve got one hell of a voice, and it’s comforting, somehow, to know that there is intelligent life, however sparse, to be found out there in the blogosphere.

suddenly, i realize that i need to learn to be critical…all over again. i originally learned this in college. at some point, i just began to question. but when i read gould’s article, i read it from this strange perspective that i have — the perspective of a blog-beginner who is searching for her voice, for her style. i admired emily’s voice. but it isn’t my own. for a brief moment, it mistakingly felt like it was mine.

i’m intrigued by this event, this moment in “blogging history.” it is a movement, in a sense. and i have begun to take part in it. i’ve begun to appreciate it. it’s excited me. the choice of the nyt to publish her article is an interesting one. they must have known the reactions that would come. essentially, they used her to represent the movement. and indeed, it is an accurate representation. and one that does, in some ways, represent my own place in the movement. but those ways are few.

i am not looking for more readers in order to reassure myself that i’m valuable. or clever. or funny. i am excited by an increase in visits because it means that perhaps something i am saying resonates with other people. perhaps it’s a way to connect. and clearly, a way to express myself and explore myself. yes, it may be a public exploration. but what is wrong with that?

to the end of season four:

damn you and your cliffhangers.
i would fast forward through the summer,
a season i am most excited for,
to know what happens with your fickle,
confused and crazy
characters.

i would rewind and watch you
over and over and over again
to relive the moments of suspense
of laughter
of tears falling down my cheeks.

look what you’ve done to me,
grey’s anatomy.

perhaps it’s the weather that is making me feel down and depressed. making me want to stay in my pajamas por todo el dia. i will shower. i will. eventually. and then i will go to therapy. and i will not get a speeding ticket. i will get work done. i will be productive. and tomorrow, i will take my mom for that very belated mother’s day breakfast. and on sunday, i will read my new book. and on sunday, the weather will be better. i will lay in the sun. i will relax. and perhaps i will no longer feel down and depressed.

dear celexa 20 mg,
i thought you were supposed to alleviate the down and depression-ness. i know you usually do a good job, on most days. but what about the days when you seem to leave me to my own accord? what about the days when it’s rainy and it’s supposed to be spring? where do you go then?

i await your response,
the a.r.w.

just when my tan lines were beginning sun burn was turning into a tan…

i don’t want to shower, ever.
i don’t want to go to my doctor appointment at 4:30.
in fact, i almost never want to leave the house again.

there is a tension, an anxiety.
it’s in my pores and my muscles.
i think i’m grinding my teeth.

i think it began with emily gould’s article.
it got worse when i began working.

things calm for a moment, when mice parade comes on the itunes shuffle.
i am no longer caught up in my stress.
i breathe easily.
i read a blog.
inspiration returns.

and i am left wishing there were more hours in the day.

in my dream, last night, i had returned to college. i wandered around a foreign campus, lost and bewildered. i asked for directions. i walked past classes, in session with students ferociously note-taking. i’m pretty sure that miranda bailey, a character on grey’s anatomy (of course), was in my dream. she was instructing me to take some lab results somewhere, but i just got lost. i’m not sure how lab results and college fit together — i certainly was not in med school.

but when i woke, and began to sip my morning cup of coffee, i felt satiated.

a new york times must-read: exposed by emily gould

The will to blog is a complicated thing, somewhere between inspiration and compulsion. It can feel almost like a biological impulse. You see something, or an idea occurs to you, and you have to share it with the Internet as soon as possible. What I didn’t realize was that those ideas and that urgency — and the sense of self-importance that made me think anyone would be interested in hearing what went on in my head — could just disappear.

this is one of the most honest, real articles i have ever read about blogging. i could endlessly quote her, but i won’t — just read it. she also blogs at emily magazine and heartbreak soup. isn’t this whole internet-blogging-explosion rather amazing??

if you happen to check out the site and it looks a little awry, please be patient — we’re working to improve your blog-viewing environment.

for some strange reason, the last theme/layout i used seemed to show up in bold print on some computers and regular print on my own. so, it’s back we go to the original layout. perhaps some future tweaking will be in order.

second hike of the summer today. gorgeous weather. beautiful waterfall. it’s amazing the things you can find, hidden in this never-ending desert.

the house was a no-go, no surprise.
so i return to craigslist.

yesterday i sat outside (in the shade) and read go ask alice. i had heard of the book years back. i mean, didn’t almost everyone? it’s on that list — “non-fiction or fiction?” right up there with a million little pieces and j.t. leroy. they’re still all worthwhile reads, in my humble opinion. so i read go ask alice in a matter of hours (yes, i consume books like i consume spaghetti), and i was seriously struck by the dark nature of the story. i could hardly put a sentence together. it required a few sips of tequila, let me tell you. conclusion? do not read this book if you’re looking for something uplifting. however, wikipedia says: The American Library Association listed Go Ask Alice as number 23 on its list of the 100 most frequently challenged books of the 1990s. The book was number 8 on the most challenged list in 2001 and up to number 6 in 2003. The dispute over the book’s authorship does not seem to have played any role in these censorship battles. so, it is rather historical. and if you’re a fan of trainspotting, then you’ll probably like this too.

in less than an hour i will go look at a house for rent. i have yet to actually do this in santa fe. when i first moved here, i was lucky enough to have a beautiful, modern studio waiting for me (more or less). and when i was ready to leave the cottage-in-the-woods, everything worked out seamlessly and i wound up here, in a cozy cabin. perhaps i sometimes feel it’s too cozy.

so, back to craigslist i go, right?

the last time i “house-hunted,” i was living in berkeley, calif., horribly depressed, completely without confidence and hardly capable of having a conversation without wanting to burst into tears. let’s just say, it was a very inactive effort on my part, to find a new place to live. a friend of mine basically did all the hard work, and i benefited with hardwood floors, big windows and lot’s of space. of course, the depression just got worse and eventually i decided that oakland was not the place for me. i packed up my little toyota echo and drove to l.a., to home. i recuperated. i sat in my father’s house and watched television with my dog. i caught up with old friends. i felt like a teenager again, home for winter break.

two months later, i packed up my echo again and came out to santa fe (my mother lives here). it was the best decision i have ever made (that and going to santiago, chile).

so, today it begins. a search for a new house (possibly). i just want to see what’s out there, see if i can’t find something perfect and comfortable. who knows, maybe it’ll be another good decision i will look back on.

1. sun bathing - lotion = sunburn (and quite possibly, cancer…but we’ll ignore that for now)
2. too much garlic = stomachache
3. nails - nail polish = nail-biting
4. two shots of tequila = fine
5. three shots of tequila = not so fine
6. short haircut = look like my mother
7. red wine - water = purple teeth
8. sun bathing - lotion = sunburn (this one cannot be said enough)
9. dropping cell phone = bad idea
10. dropping ipod = even worse idea