…the almost right word

so, there i was. delving deeper into a sense of depression. i will quote the unreliable narrator here, since she put it so well: …professional oversharer and Gawker blogger Emily Gould reevaluates, basically, her entire career, in a post that for some reason I can’t fully explain scares the everlovin’ beejaysus outta me. it certainly scared the everlovin’ beejaysus outta me. i actually had to remind myself that i’m not the same blogger as gould. i had to step back from reading her nyt article, and her blogs.

and then the comments on the new york times website came. a flood of a thousand people responding. ninety-five percent of them criticized her. some of them even criticized the new york times for publishing the article. comment number one: At first, I thought I was reading the sophomore page of the student newspaper at Harding High in Yokelville, Ohio. Then I realized that it was the New York Times. Just awful. comment number two: Dear Emily - First of all, you should be grateful to this newspaper for allowing you this mega-blog about blogging. Will the cure for cancer get this many pages? it goes on and on and on. eventually i found a couple that were reminiscent of my first reaction to her article: The first thing that I noticed about your piece, Emily, is how well you write. You’ve got one hell of a voice, and it’s comforting, somehow, to know that there is intelligent life, however sparse, to be found out there in the blogosphere.

suddenly, i realize that i need to learn to be critical…all over again. i originally learned this in college. at some point, i just began to question. but when i read gould’s article, i read it from this strange perspective that i have — the perspective of a blog-beginner who is searching for her voice, for her style. i admired emily’s voice. but it isn’t my own. for a brief moment, it mistakingly felt like it was mine.

i’m intrigued by this event, this moment in “blogging history.” it is a movement, in a sense. and i have begun to take part in it. i’ve begun to appreciate it. it’s excited me. the choice of the nyt to publish her article is an interesting one. they must have known the reactions that would come. essentially, they used her to represent the movement. and indeed, it is an accurate representation. and one that does, in some ways, represent my own place in the movement. but those ways are few.

i am not looking for more readers in order to reassure myself that i’m valuable. or clever. or funny. i am excited by an increase in visits because it means that perhaps something i am saying resonates with other people. perhaps it’s a way to connect. and clearly, a way to express myself and explore myself. yes, it may be a public exploration. but what is wrong with that?