reflections at the end of year twenty-five*
it’s been a heavy day today. heavy days remind me of the years i spent “struggling with depression” (understandably, and, i use quotes only because the phrase is so cliché). i thought about food every second of every day. when my mind wandered, it was to evaluate my stomach or my arms.
—-> had i gained weight? was i losing weight? what could i do to lose more weight? if only i could be that scrawny kid that i see in pictures, the one who seemed happy and carefree, who i could hardly remember. <—-
i gave up cheese, avocados, cream cheese, sour cream, mayonnaise, spaghetti (yes, it’s true). i turned myself off from craving. i only allowed myself desserts on weekends. the anxiety was always present. occasionally i would fall apart and binge.
i managed okay — i went to classes in school (for the most part); i spent a year studying in chile; i lived with other people; i even dated at one point when the depression and anxiety seemed to be gone. but i was never happy; i cried a lot; i slept too much; i hid in my bedroom to avoid my roommates. i always felt so un-”normal.”
when i step back, and look at things honestly, i admit to myself that i never really “beat” the depression, the anxiety or the eating disorder…not until i moved to santa fe, at the end of 2005. gradually, the anxiety lessened and food became a secondary concern. i even began to feel more “normal.”
i was never bulimic. i’m not even sure one could call it anorexia.
when i have a heavy day, i worry that it will all come back. i know better, but the worry is still there.
* the title for this post could also be: “why i can’t return phone calls today”
3 responses so far
ZOOOOMG NOT *AVOCADOES*!!!1!
And just think, all you ever needed was to spend a summer with Maman. We’re talking whole STICKS of butter, darling. We’re talking CARTONS of sour cream. We’re talking a zest for food and eating and life that made Julia Child seem emaciated and joy-deprived.
Squershy interwebs hugs to you, peanut. Heavy days do shift, thank God in all Her wisdom. Come over sometime and sample some of the (mayonnaise-laden) potato salad (also with red bell pepper and green onion, minced fine…and gorgeous organic mustard) I made for the Brujo.
I love that you’re able to write about this topic with such honesty! Good for you. And I know EXACTLY what you mean — I don’t consider my past eating habits to have been full-blown anorexia either, which is why they’re so easily grouped under the title of “disordered eating.”
But it was a time of WAY too much thinking about food, avoiding certain stuff, never allowing myself to eat desserts or certain food groups, etc.
I feel like I’m doing a LOT better, but it hasn’t completely left me. At least I know that I DON’T strive to look like a stick-figure anymore…I enjoy my curves and muscles!
I just started a new group on SparkPeople called No More Hiding. Feel free to join me!
giving up cheese and avocados means–*gasp*–a lack of avo and cheddar sandwiches on franchese, lightly toasted? mmmmm.
in all seriousness though i had never had an issue with food until recently. it says a lot about me and our culture that i now feel like i can relate better to most women in American society. at times i wish i could go back to the state of depression that left me underweight as opposed to my current state of battling the ol’ muffin top pooching out of my jeans. how sad is that?