Comments on: X marks the spot: The Second

By: Angela

Angela — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 22:58:11 +0000

My best friend had a psycho ex, and well all hated him. He emotionally abused her, too, but she stayed with him for more than two years “because of our history.” It was the lamest excuse ever, but she just ignored all of his red flags. When he would talk down to her and make her cry nightly, she couldn’t leave him. Finally, they ended it, and she’s so much better off without him.

I’m glad you ended it, too. I know you’re better off.

By: Cookie Monster

Cookie Monster — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 12:21:26 +0000

The Human brain is such an amazing thing isn’t it? If you think about it - it all emotions taking over logical thinking and behaviour, thinking with heart over mind…. I think these experiences make a person - make them a better person.

I have had a simillar experience recently, but you could say I was in your shoes… we argued almost 2-3 times a week because she used to get upset during the day with other people, but vent her frustration on me. 2.5 years (of ignoring a rainbow of flags) later I had to get out of it, no matter how bad or painful it was…. I still love her… but not in the way that she behaves in a relationship…

Thanks for writing an outstanding post…. I think you will help many readers remember the experiences, and how they have learnt or grown up because of it

By: Princess Pointful

Princess Pointful — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 06:14:11 +0000

It is such an odd slap in the face when you realize the crap you have let yourself put up with, isn’t it? It is so easy to recognize after the fact, but you weave yourself into a story of why he is the exception or why he didn’t even mean it.
It looks me around 6 years to realize my boyfriend had a serious drinking problem. Six damn years.

By: e.

e. — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 02:55:12 +0000

I’ve done this sort of thing too by ignoring the red flags or convincing myself that this time it will be different. It’s a hard thing to overcome once the relationship becomes so codependent.

By: unreliable narrator

unreliable narrator — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 00:08:44 +0000

Yeah. Been there, done that (and more than once), still trying to get the toxic crap off my inner t-shirt. Yay, coach, put me in, I know I can win this one.

As the Professoressa once told me, however, “The hook has to get bigger every time. You won’t fall for it again if it’s just ANY idiot. You’ll only put up with it for someone who seems special in some way–has a gift, a talent, a certain way of seeing you.” I guess I’m saying I don’t think it’s always our masochism, n’est-ce pas? Sometimes we’re getting something out of it, having some occult need met, receiving something we may not even be able to describe for a long time afterward–much less start to realize we can get in some other way, without having to put up with all the hollering and orchid-throwing.

Here’s to survival, and emerging just a little bit less unconscious for the next round–

PS Men definitely can ignore the red flags just as blithely as women. The Brujo has told me many times about his pre-sobriety ability to walk into a room and immediately, but immediately pick out a vivisectionist. That’s what a solid shame-based upbringing can do for you! “Oh, it’s probably just me,” we all think, reasonably. The problem, as you note, is that with emotional abusiveness we aren’t dealing with anything reasonable.