Posts RSS Comments RSS

Aug 21st 2008 at 9:32 am Published under (the category of): Reflections

On Freedom from Depression*

Three years ago, I lived the most routine, dull version of my life that I can imagine: calorie-counting, coffee-drinking, binge-eating. Alone. Alone. Alone. Searching for a sense of control (If only Ian Curtis had waited…perhaps it would have passed. Perhaps they would have found the right medication? Perhaps he wouldn’t have decided to take his life). I spent so many years in a dark cloud. To not be all-consumed by depression is like a new-found freedom. It’s eating spaghetti whenever I want. It’s wearing a dress and feeling beautiful. It’s crying because things can be incredible. It’s listening to “Disorder” on repeat and dancing alone. It’s being able to write about more than just my body, my skin, my loneliness. It’s being able to finally write about what’s real.

* an excerpt from my personal journal

12 responses so far

12 responses to “On Freedom from Depression*”

  1. # deutlichon Aug 21st 2008 at 10:15 am

    I think there are many, many more people out there who feel this or have felt this than we can ever imagine.

    Me included.

  2. # margoton Aug 21st 2008 at 10:23 am

    amen.

  3. # Laurenon Aug 21st 2008 at 11:00 am

    I know i’ve felt that way before. It’s great when the feeling ends, it really is.

  4. # Travison Aug 21st 2008 at 12:42 pm

    That’s good. Hopefully some day I’ll be free.

    I think we were both dancing to Joy Division long before The Wombats came out.

  5. # unreliable narratoron Aug 21st 2008 at 12:55 pm

    I’d been warned on a train to London two weeks earlier by Annik. I asked her, “What do you think of the new album.” She goes, “I’m terrified.” I said, “What are you terrified of?” She replies, “Don’t you understand? When he sings ‘I take the blame’ he means it.” And I go, “No, he doesn’t mean it—it’s art.” And guess what? He fucking meant it.(Tony Wilson)

  6. # Matton Aug 21st 2008 at 1:48 pm

    I love it.

    To be honest, I love honest posts on reflection and self evaluation- it’s the reason I started reading blogs.

  7. # distracted spunkon Aug 21st 2008 at 7:19 pm

    I’m still working on that. And I did get your e-mail. I owe you a response. :)

  8. # Narmon Aug 21st 2008 at 7:29 pm

    The biggest step is being able to put this in such a public place.

  9. # e.on Aug 21st 2008 at 9:00 pm

    Thank you for sharing this. It reminds me that I’m not the only one who had/is going through this.

  10. # cooperon Aug 21st 2008 at 9:01 pm

    Brave people offer up pieces of their personal journals for consumption by those of us not brave enough.

    I’m glad you are in a more vigorous place — for lack of a better term — in your life.

  11. # e.on Aug 21st 2008 at 9:26 pm

    ps-I sent you an e-mail. if you didn’t get it, let me know.

  12. # kjaon Aug 25th 2008 at 1:19 am

    i’m glad you are at a good place, arw. it gives me some hope. i for one am not nearly brave enough to talk about it so publicly.

    i definitely need to start up on the meds again. even though i feel like i’m slowly turning my life around, that dark cloud (which i’m learning that everyone in my family has encountered) persists. so it goes.

Trackback URI | Comments RSS

Leave a reply