A balloon that’s about to burst*
I get home from the wedding. I open the gate, slowly, remembering how I came home last night, even more exhausted than I am tonight: I crept into the house quietly, aware of my movements, of the noises I made. It’s as if she** can still hear me. It’s as if she’ll bark at any moment. She’ll be curious. She’ll come and smell me, checking to see where I have been, who I have been with. But she doesn’t bark and she doesn’t come to sniff my clothes. And even when I sit down next to her, and put my face near her nose or ears, she won’t hear me when I speak her name. Today, while she was sleeping, I bent down and kissed her nose. I held my head to her forehead and cried softly. I told her that I love her.
As for the wedding, I felt more-or-less anxious the entire time. That is, until I decided to leave. The minute I stepped outside to head to my car, I relaxed. The evening was beautiful. Something about the ceremony elicited many unexpected emotions (perhaps this was the cause of my anxiety). Suddenly I found myself with desire. Desire to have that, to get married,
to say the words, to exchange vows and rings. I had to step back and ask myself, where is this coming from? I have always been convinced that marriage is not for me. I have seen too much divorce, too much pain. I have always doubted the notion that any couple can last. People change. People grow. What if two people change and grow in opposite directions? Why should there be restrictions placed on this growth? On the change, or on the directions? We should feel free to be who we are, despite who we are with.
I cried at the service. When I first saw her walking down the aisle, I teared. She looked gorgeous, glowing. They were surrounded by white lights, white rose petals. They were married in front of giant elephants, giraffes and zebras.*** It was beautiful. Over the course of the evening, every time I saw them together, I cried. The minute she approached me, I feebly attempted to express my emotions. I held back tears, somewhat unsuccessfully.
There is so much to feel and think and see. Sometimes it’s just too much. Even at this very moment, typing this post, or while listening to music, my eyes begin to water. My eyes pour over, again and again. I wonder, is it because, for the first time in years, I’m no longer on antidepressants? Is this why the flood gates have opened? Is this why I feel so much these days?
Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst… And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life…
* An excerpt from my personal journal.
** The “she” in this passage is my dog, Whitney, who has grown deaf in the past year (she’s about 15 years old). She lives with my dad (in Los Angeles, California), who I visited this past weekend in order to attend the wedding. I wrote this while staying in my childhood bedroom.
*** The wedding was held at the Natural History Museum in Los Angeles, California. It was a virtual Garden of Eden.
13 responses so far
Feeling so much, even if it takes a bit to adjust to, isn’t always a bad thing. I sometimes think it is of vital importance to cry over what matters.
I love that American Beauty quote.
Weddings always stir up all sorts of crazy emotions for me, It’s nice to hear they do the same for someone else.
“I came,” she said, “hoping you could talk me out of a fantasy.”
“Cherish it!” cried Hilarious fiercely. “What else do any of you have? Hold it by it’s little tentacle, don’t let the Freudians coax it away or the pharmacists poison it out of you. Whatever it is, hold it dear, for when you lose it you go over by that much to the others. You begin to cease to be.” ‘
From the Crying of Lot 49, Thomas Pynchon
I had the same thing when I went on, off, and back on anti-depressants. It’s a strange, wonderful feeling. Sometimes I can’t pull myself out of it. And sometimes, I don’t want to.
Thinking of you today.
This is an incredibly moving post. I’ve gotta tell ya, I was never one to get weepy at weddings. I was always brimming with happiness for the couple. And was usually able to quickly quell any feelings of “why not me?!” But, now? Now that my own wedding is 6 weeks away? I cry at anything and everything wedding. In summary, you brought tears to my eyes. I hope you can work through these feelings you’re having.
I haven’t been to a wedding in years but am convinced I would be just as emotional.
Emotion is a catharsis of sorts, no matter what kind. It’s best though if it’s positive emotion. Whatever it is that lets you know you’re living, not just existing, is a good thing.
It like squeezing out a wet rag, sometimes it just get so soaked it has to be done.
…coopers latest post…Tote My Notes
who got married? all the weddings i went to this summer were kind of bland. even the lesbian one that i was so excited to attend, they managed to only serve hors d’oeuvres and had no dancing
might i add, it’s such a relief to read something apolitical. though my fanaticism is self-imposed, it’s quite refreshing.
S - I keep wondering if it has anything to do with the anti-depressants at all. Perhaps it does. In fact, it probably does. I just don’t remember experiencing anything like this the last time I went off them!
Nilsa - I’m not one to cry at weddings either. Somehow, this one *got* me. Thank you for your compliments. You make me want to cry all over again.
cooper - you hit the nail on the head, so to speak. I have been finding this sudden surge of emotion to be very cathartic, a reminder that I am alive and *that* is something to pay attention to.
kja - A friend from “childhood” got married. I was similarly disappointed — the music was all oldies and I was hoping for some good, quality hip hop fun.
I didn’t dance at all. And, the food was average. And, the bar was limited…I too am finding apolitical posts to be rather inviting these days.
I’ve always been pretty emotional, but it seems like lately I tear up over things like sad endings in tv dramas. I’ve never done that! I’ve been off anti-depressants for a year or two now, so I don’t know if it has to do with that, but geez…I feel so cheesy sometimes. As for weddings, I know how you feel. I wanted to cry at the last one I went to. Strangely enough, the couple got divorced about a year later. Ha!
…Cassandras latest post…Art has no plan…
Cassandra - That is exactly what is happening to me! Even a terrible movie will move me to tears! It’s rather invigorating, but a little unsettling nonetheless.
You write beautifully… I’m so sorry about your dog.
…Athenas latest post…Flying
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