In which she pouts and ponders
Last night, I dreamt that I was on a plane to South America.
It’s been too long since I had an adventure — an out-of-the-country, speak-in-a-foreign-language, spend-way-too-much-money adventure. In less than a month, I will be on a beach in Mexico. Adventure? Definitely.
Nevertheless, I find myself waking up on this cloudy Monday morning with a sense of dissatisfaction. Reasons? 1. My job is neither challenging nor stimulating. The pay is wonderful, and the experience will be good (in a long-run sort of way), but working from home limits my social interaction and I miss feeling…exhilarated. 2. My friends are either a) broke or b) addicts (in many cases, both) which means that I no longer “fit” (I did, at one time, fit quite well. Or maybe I just fit enough. But now I don’t fit anywhere). 3. Numbers one and two mean more t.v. time, when I really should be doing something productive like reading or writing. 4. More t.v. time means that, when the week begins again, I just want to spend all day watching t.v. It’s like a downward spiral that simultaneously feels good and dangerously self-indulgent.
I’m not depressed. I’m not even really that unhappy. I’m just very dissatisfied.
Remedies? Graduate school, perhaps, if I get in. If not? Major revisions will ensue. The kind where drafts are tossed through the open window, words are crossed out and marked in red. The kind where I list goals and write myself notes like “More books, less t.v.” The kind where I reconsider the next two years, feel very lost and then, eventually, excitement..??..hope..??..optimism..??
A change has come. Even more change will be coming.
Today, it’s Sufjan Stevens (To Be Alone with You), Jose González (Crosses), Halloween, Alaska (All the Arms Around You), The Album Leaf (Eastern Glow), matt pond PA (New Hampshire), Ryan Adams (Wonderwall), pajamas and coffee.
21 responses so far
All I can say is- I know how you feel
Oh I hate feeling like this!! I just got myself out of one of these funks, I think the main think for me is understanding and being happy with why I’m doing what I’m doing.
Even simple things like taking books out of the library & taking an hour long walk at your lunch break so it really feels like a break can give your day structure and direction.
The friends situation is the hardest. I’ve been there. Be nice to yourself, and take it a bit at a time while it feels like this.
I have those days…okay I’m having one now…though watching tv does stir the brain a little but really, being dissatisfied is an odd feeling, you’re neither there or here, so take your time and maybe you’ll come out of it
I’m fighting the grad school thing right alongside you.
Don’t fear the editing. The editing can be fun.
Matt, So glad to know that you’re right there with me, buddy.
Kyla Bea, The library is at the top of my how-to-escape-the-funk list. Unfortunately all copies of the one book I really want to read, Brave New World, are checked out! Thank you — you’re right in so many ways. Time to do something nice for myself indeed.
lissa, It does come and go, almost with the seasons, doesn’t it?
Eric, Oh the editing. You’re right. It can be fun and in many ways, I’m looking forward to it.
OMG that version of “Wonderwall” is like unto an gateway drug for me. That and Matt Pond PA too, I don’t know, you could overdose on emo. Be careful mixing that shit! Titrate the doses.
PLUS, you tease, you don’t tell us: WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?! Hulu junkies who have papers to grade NEED TO KNOW.
If only we could watch The Wire! Okay, maybe it’s good we can’t watch The Wire, cos then we’d just be like rats pressing the pleasure lever over and over….Hey, just lemme know if’n you want an extra set of eyeballs on your essays; I’m pretty freakishly good with those things. And (gory) hugs to you….
I am in a similar situation because I both work from home now and feel totally dissatisfied. I keep saying, “I used to…” which frustrates me because there are so many things I feel like I enjoy doing yet I don’t do them anymore. Definitely time for a little adventure.
Jose Gonzales is incredible! I saw him live at the 9:30 club in DC… he was spot on. I can count on my hands how many notes were “off”…. have any other Jose type recommendations?
As I hope you know already, I am there with you. The dissatisfaction spirals into shame and gray and numbness. ARW, you feel things with such intensity sometimes. It’s what makes some moments feel so epic. But you can’t always control that intensity. Thus, you have times like you’re having.
The ship will right itself once again.
Until then, for more really good depressing music try: The National. “Racing like a pro” and “Baby we’ll be fine” are two of my favorites.
Currently on repeat.
Un, Latest Hulu obsession: Studio 60. Aaron Sorkin also wrote and produced The West Wing. There is only one season or so on Hulu, but it’s pretty good!
e., I think it’s important to concentrate, periodically, on the things we “used to do.” Just because we “don’t do them anymore” doesn’t mean we can’t.. Now it’s just a matter of figuring out what is still important to do. Tricky.
[F]oxymoron, Jose type recommendations? Well, Matt Pond PA is a good one, to start. iTunes Genius recommends Fink, Sean Hayes, Ray LaMontagne (who I’m sure you’ve heard of) and The Weepies. I have a couple Fink and Sean Hayes tracks — over all, so so. But matt pond PA is a definite must if you don’t already have it. And damn, you can blog and comment while traveling through India!?!?
s, Checking out The National as I type right now. Looking forward to it. Thanks pal. My good thoughts are with you, too.
I sometimes sit around feeling the same way in that I am in grad school and working, I see friends who haven’t made that committment yet going on surfing trips and taking long weekend while I’m in the library, and I think what have I done.
Things change, decisions are made and then…you still find some of that funkiness surround ya as you think what next?
I guess it’s always going to be like this.
Sun always helps, so Mexico is good for that.
Ah, the frustration of stagnation. I do know what you mean… that feeling of antsyness, as though something is missing. It will emerge when you least expect it, I’m syre.
Going through a similar experience right now. However, today, amidst nursing a bothersome hangover and foisting holiday promos upon struggling businesses I spoke with a United Methodist pastor. She was instantly receptive to my situation and listened with earnest compassion when I began to tell her all about how I’m stuck with knowing what I want to do with my life but having to wait and see if I’m admitted anywhere. She began brainstorming who could help me and how I could help their youth group (my idea). So I’m giving up my Wednesday nights to motivate teenagers to give back to their community.
I’m telling you this not because you should go to church and talk to a pastor (believe me I can’t believe I’m doing this either), but because volunteering opens up paths to people who may actually give a shit. About you. The job may not change, but it’s comforting to have such options in this cynical, profit-driven world. At least we’re not waiting tables!
Grad school’s definitely a good option to challenge you and keep you busy. What would you be studying?
cooper, Well, I guess someone who is actually in school can feel the same confusion and “funk” as someone who is out of school. Somehow I have convinced myself that I will feel more fulfilled once I start my education again, if I start my education again. I guess I’ll have to wait and see how that goes. And until then, Mexico will definitely help.
Princess Pointful, You’ve read my mind, in a sense — the feeling of “antsyness” and the feeling of being content and happy both emerge when we least expect it. One day, I feel the latter, another day I feel the former.
kja, I’ve been thinking about actually doing something, outside of work. It’s not a bad idea. I keep planning on grad school, but what happens if I don’t get in? I need to ensure my sense of fulfillment, and not depend on some application committee. You’re right, it’s all better than waiting tables.
Phil, I’m applying to the University of New Mexico’s Graduate Program in Latin American Studies. For the longest time, I thought I’d study journalism and be a “writer,” but lately I’ve felt that isn’t the most “practical” major and I have always known that I want to utilize my Spanish language skills. Ehh. We shall see.
From what I know of UNM’s Latin American Studies program, it’s pretty strong. There’s a pretty neat community right on campus, with people from all over Latin America (and the world) studying in the program. I say go for it.
And, hope I didn’t scare you too much the other day with my little grad school rant. My program isn’t exactly like a lot of grad school programs, as it’s also got a clinical component (which I’m in currently) to add to the fun of academic classes. It’s a good time, for sure, just one that doesn’t quite involve enough sleep.
Phil, Yeah. I was pleasantly surprised to discover such an amazing Latin American Studies program in my backyard. No worries about the grad school rant — I have an inkling of what I’m getting myself into. Plus, I’ll have to do part-time, which should help with the sleep factor.
I was feeling exactly like that…just blahh…things changed for me when I went to grad school. I don’t have enough time to be blahh anymore.
Seriously though, I suggest it!
When I finally went to grad school, it was exactly what I’d been dreaming about. I because obsessed with the learning and I ate it up. Not like undergraduate at all with a side of apathy thrown in. This was balls to the wall, couldn’t learn enough fast enough. But it wasn’t the right time for me and I never finished it. I do regret that, but it wasn’t to be. Take your time and learn how to be okay in your own skin. Don’t chase things just to have something to do. Spend time with yourself and figure out what it is that you stand for and who you are. The rest will come together.
Or you can just tell me to shove off. But I’ve been where you are.
The first step is knowing that “a change HAS to come.” So if you know that, at least you know you’re well on your way.
I think it’s amazing how a good or bad dream can have such a powerful effect on the following day. I’ve definitely noticed a strong correlation between bad dream and bad day.